Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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