I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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