Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
