You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
