I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
