There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
...so i touched it.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
