Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
