The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
