I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
