Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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