she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Alive.
So much puke
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
