Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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