And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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