If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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