Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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