U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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