i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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