Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
