I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
Heβs disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
