Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
