remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
