I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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