I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
3pm strippers are depressing
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
