who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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