I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
