I am spending my child support on dildos
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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