Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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