i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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