Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize