I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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