If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
