I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
