you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
