its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
