i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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