No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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