she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize