just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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