Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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