I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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