is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
