I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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