Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
