I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
