I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize