i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
