its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
