In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
