She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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