there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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