no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize