Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Everyone says I win the strip club
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
