Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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