i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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