He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
