Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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