She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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