I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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