why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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