If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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