So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
