Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize