Define "chronic" masturbator.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize