I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
