I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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