I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
