The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
