What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
